Afraid Ever After

Once you become a mom you automatically acquire a whole new set of anxieties. It is as if the anxiety fairy godmother touched us with her wicked magic wand and recited something along the lines of "May you forever worry sick about your kids".

With Isabella being so full of energy, and getting into everything, I worry about her hurting herself. With Sofia being so afraid of everything, I worry she will never take risks.

This afternoon, as the four of us were playing in the backyard, I felt this overwhelming wave of anxiety come over me. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well, only couple houses away. We could see them and hear them perfectly, and they could see us. Two of those kids were the neighbors’ right next door, who play with Sofia all the time. I waited a few minutes to see if Sofia showed interest in playing with them, but she never did. So I asked "Do you want to go play with them?” "Aha", Bella said, even though I was not really talking to her. "No", Sofia said, using a tone as if she was trying to defend herself. I asked again a few minutes later, but the answer was the same. I think deep inside she really would have liked to play with them, but she was too intimidated, too afraid to join a group of five or six children already at play. After a few more minutes we finally went inside, as it was close to dinner time.

Once inside I felt myself completely anxious, remembering Sofia's reaction when we were outside. I wondered if the other parents saw us standing there, in our own little world, instead of sending our child to join in the fun. And if so, I wondered what that would do to Sofia's social life in the long run. If she doesn't want to play with the other neighborhood children, is she going to be the odd one out? I pictured the other kids talking about her, whispering behind her back, and telling each other "Don't pay attention to her. She is just weird. She never plays with us". If she doesn't make the effort now, will it be too late when she finally decides to spend time with them?

I know this is all in my head. I just wish I could make her more outgoing, more comfortable in her own skin. She is a very loving kid, and she deserves the best. I never want to see her being bullied, feeling ignored, or seeing her heart break because other girls are mean to her. If I could prevent any of the above I totally would. But I know I can't. I can only hope that if that ever happens she will talk to me, because I will always be here for her.