Bittersweet

After an eight month search, my mom found a new job today. This is what she wanted. This is the moment she had been waiting for. Yet, taking a new job was a bittersweet moment for her ... for all of us.

For the last four months she had been taking care of Bella couple days a week. And for the last month and a half, since Sofia started Kindergarten, those two days she would also take her to school and pick her up. The three of them walked together on the way there and back, which Sofia really liked not only because of the walk itself, but because my mom would pick her up right when school ended. No need to go to the afterschool program, which is not her favorite thing. Mondays and Tuesdays Bella also got to sleep in a little, Vs having to go to daycare with Lionel right at 7:00am. And how about her even making them breakfast while I prepared lunch for Sofia, and hurried to get ready myself.

The girls of course were not the only ones benefiting from abuelita's presence around here. Whether she knows it or not, she also helped Lionel and me a lot. It is all about the little things. Having her here meant sometimes we did not have to worry about dinner, did not have to get home to empty the dishwasher after a long day at work, and did not have to take a day off because the girls were not feeling well and couldn't go to school. She even took care of me when I was sick, and made me some hot tea and one of my favorite desserts.

So yes, it was all good for us when she was around, but the truth is that it was not all good for her. As much as she loved spending all that time with the girls, she also needed something else, something that was just hers. So we thank her for all the extra love she gave us during those four months, and wish her well in her brand new job.

Afraid Ever After

Once you become a mom you automatically acquire a whole new set of anxieties. It is as if the anxiety fairy godmother touched us with her wicked magic wand and recited something along the lines of "May you forever worry sick about your kids".

With Isabella being so full of energy, and getting into everything, I worry about her hurting herself. With Sofia being so afraid of everything, I worry she will never take risks.

This afternoon, as the four of us were playing in the backyard, I felt this overwhelming wave of anxiety come over me. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well, only couple houses away. We could see them and hear them perfectly, and they could see us. Two of those kids were the neighbors’ right next door, who play with Sofia all the time. I waited a few minutes to see if Sofia showed interest in playing with them, but she never did. So I asked "Do you want to go play with them?” "Aha", Bella said, even though I was not really talking to her. "No", Sofia said, using a tone as if she was trying to defend herself. I asked again a few minutes later, but the answer was the same. I think deep inside she really would have liked to play with them, but she was too intimidated, too afraid to join a group of five or six children already at play. After a few more minutes we finally went inside, as it was close to dinner time.

Once inside I felt myself completely anxious, remembering Sofia's reaction when we were outside. I wondered if the other parents saw us standing there, in our own little world, instead of sending our child to join in the fun. And if so, I wondered what that would do to Sofia's social life in the long run. If she doesn't want to play with the other neighborhood children, is she going to be the odd one out? I pictured the other kids talking about her, whispering behind her back, and telling each other "Don't pay attention to her. She is just weird. She never plays with us". If she doesn't make the effort now, will it be too late when she finally decides to spend time with them?

I know this is all in my head. I just wish I could make her more outgoing, more comfortable in her own skin. She is a very loving kid, and she deserves the best. I never want to see her being bullied, feeling ignored, or seeing her heart break because other girls are mean to her. If I could prevent any of the above I totally would. But I know I can't. I can only hope that if that ever happens she will talk to me, because I will always be here for her.

Grown up

Sofia looks so grown up to me sometimes that it's hard to believe she is only five. At the same time, it is hard to believe five years have already gone by. And as my mom always used to tell us, I love her more than yesterday, but so much less than tomorrow.

Open House

Earlier this week Sofia's new school had an open house. My mom had already seen it, and Tio Raj couldn't make it because he was working late. But the four of us, my sister, and my Dad all went.

We knew the place would be packed, and since we are so close we just walked instead of driving there. Besides, Sofia loves to walk to school. She was so happy on our way there, skipping, telling us all about it, and asking if we were going to stop by her classroom first.

Once we were there she was so proud showing us around. I like it when her eyes lit up like that. We spent a few minutes in her classroom, where my sister and my Dad got to meet her teacher, Miss Mitza. They also got to see "peace corner", which apparently is one of Sofia's favorite spots. This is literally a corner in the room where a short bookcase, full of things intended to help you relax, creates a private spot. The idea is that two kids can go there when they need to resolve a problem - or said simply, when they are fighting. They can also go there by themselves when they need some down time. Miss Mitza said that Sofia loves that space, so they have to remind her she can't spend all day there.

After her classroom we toured the rest of the school in a bit of a hurry. I wanted to go into the art room, but Sofia had other plans. We rushed through the cafeteria, the gym, and the music room. She then took us outside to what, to her, was the best part of the tour: The playground. Isabella of course was all over that.  But by then it was definitely past dinner time. So we peeled the girls away from there, went back inside, saw the library real quick, and finally headed home.

Sofia and Miss Mitza ...peace corner in the back

Bella wanted this picture, and then didn't smile for it

Sofia doing a scavenger hunt activity

The music room

Impatient

This is the summary of a little conversation Sofia and I had in the car today. Enough to drive you crazy...

Sofia: Mami, can you pick me up at 4 today?
Me: I don’t think I can Sofia. I have to work. We’ll see.
Sofia: But, can you try to pick me up at 4?
Me: I will try. Ok?
Sofia: Ok. I want you to try to pick me up at 4.
Me: Ok. I will try. Can you please stop asking me?
Sofia: Because if I don’t stop asking then you are not going to pick me up at 4. Right?
Me: Right.
Sofia [2 minutes later]: At what time are you going to pick Bella up?
Me: Seriously? I just asked you to please stop asking me.
Sofia: But I am not asking you about me anymore. Now I am asking about Bella.
Me: Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Kids Logic

Tonight Sofia hit her head against the counter, so she proceeded to cry. We then proceeded to give her an ice pack to make her stop. Bella then demanded her own ice pack. We then told her she couldn’t have one because she did not hit her head. She then proceeded to hit her head – on purpose – against the trash can. We then gave her an ice pack. The end.

Misunderstanding

Bella is talking and understanding a lot more nowadays, but there are a few things that still go over her head. A perfect example is the following conversation at the end of dinner today.

Me: Bella, quieres fruta? Do you want some fruit?
Bella: Si
Me: Fresas? Strawberries?
Bella: NO! Fruta!
Sofia: Bella, Fresas is a fruit.
Me: Fresas?
Bella: NO! Fruta!
Me: Durazno? Peach?
Bella: NO, Fruta!
Me: Raspberries it is!

Lack of sleep

Just when I finally got a reminder of how it feels to sleep for more than 6 hours, last night I also got to remember what it's like to only sleep for 3 or 4.

I went to bed at 10:30pm, knowing I had to get up at 5:30am for my tennis class. That would give me 7 hours of sleep ... or so I thought. Since I don't usually go to bed before 11:30, I struggled falling sleep. So it was probably at least 11:30 before I was finally out. Sofia then woke me up at 2:30 because her earring fell off, and she insisted that I put it back on right away. Unlucky me, by the time I was done with her I was very much awake. So it was about 4:30 before I finally fell asleep again. Just one hour later and I was up for good, ready or not, to start a very long and dreadful Monday.

Somehow I managed to survive the day, and now I am getting ready to go down again. But hopefully this time around I will be able to stay in bed.

Potty

This is something that people without children would very much rather not read. But given that this blog talks about our lives I feel I have to document, at least briefly, Bella's progress with potty training. She is definitely still on diapers, but has already used to potty to pee and poop a handful of times. She likes getting the Dora diapers, the training ones, so that encourages her to go sit there. And of course it also helps that she makes me sit in front of her and sing her favorite songs while smiling at her and clapping my hands. Sometimes Sofia joins in as well, singing and making a pooping face so that Bella can see how it's done. We probably still have a long road ahead of us, but we will be patient. After all, she is not even two. And we know that sooner or later she will definitely get there.

Football

American football season has officially started. That is always a downer for me, as it directly translates into more alone time and frustrated family days. On a good day Lionel watches the game at home, so he is only unavailable for about three hours total. On a bad day he goes to the stadium, which then makes it a five hour affair. The game may last three hours, but you have to allow one hour to get there, and another one to come back. Couple that with the fact that the games are usually at 1:00 or 4:00pm and voila! There goes our day...

Football is also the only thing Lionel seems to feel passionate about, which bothers me to the core. There is nothing else I can think of that can make him get angry, disappointed, frustrated, happy, or behave child like. I wish I saw that sparkle in his eyes when he is doing stuff with us.  I wish he was as devoted to other things as he is to that. There are so many things he could be teaching the girls if he had 1/2 the passion for those things that he displays with this stupid game. But he has no energy for them, which if you ask me, is quite a shame. The girls would be so proud of him if they saw him doing what he does best.

I wish he didn't care about football, or I wish I did. But we just don't see eye to eye on this, and we probably never will. To him that is entertainment, and outlet. To me he becomes so inflexible and so selfish that it has become a huge pet peeve. So once again this year I will try my best not to complain too much about it. I just won't be asking him how each game went because quite frankly I don't care. I may be willing to keep my opinion to myself, but pretending I am happy about it? Well, that's definitely a stretch.

Zzzzzzz

Last night I did something I had not done in a very long time. The last time I did it I was probably really sick. The next time I do it will probably be because I am in really bad shape.

Last night I went to sleep before 10:00pm, 9:30 to be exact. I've had such busy and draining days that by the time Friday came around I was completely exhausted, ready to pass out. I was falling asleep when I put Sofia to bed, so I decided to follow her lead. I fell asleep so quickly and so deep that even when Lionel came to bed I did not hear a thing.

This morning I was so well rested that I literally felt like a different person, and told myself:  "I guess this is how I am supposed to feel". I had so much energy that I breezed through the day, which included six hours walking around at the amusement park with Lionel and the girls. All that energy a good night sleep gave me is lasting so long that it is midnight and I am still awake. Wait a second! What am I doing?!? I should be in bed. I guess here comes my regular six hours of sleep cycle ... all over again.

Pay it forward

The other day I heard or read somewhere that in general terms, even during difficult financial times, those who have the least are the ones that give the most. Even without hearing the explanation behind it, I wholeheartedly agreed with that. The reason given was that those that don't have much are empathetic, and are very aware that one day, at some point throughout their lives, that could be them.

My dad has always been that way. Ever since he was a child he never really had much, but always had a tendency to, whatever he had, want to share it with everybody else. Truth be told, in multiple occasions that created conflict with my mom, my sister and I. It simply felt to us like it was easy for him to see everybody else's pain, but had blinders to some of the needs inside his very own house. It's not like we went around hungry or not taken care of, but there were things we wanted that were not important to him. So growing up I always told myself I would give back, but I would never go to extreme. I know I have to be careful with that. After all, the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Lionel, on the other hand, doesn’t' have a charitable bone in him. He is not a bad person, and if you ask him for a donation he might say yes. He just doesn't regularly think about it; it doesn't come natural to him. I guess that is because he has never been face to face with a basic need that went unmet. His parents started without much, but his dad soon did really well at work. So for most of his life he never saw his parents go paycheck to paycheck. They lived in a nice big home, went on family vacations, he got a car when he was 16, and his decision on where to go to college did not depend on what his parents could afford. All he had to do was decide where he wanted to go ... and get admitted of course.

I think Lionel also tends to be less trustful than I am, and scrutinizes a lot more where his money is going, and the impact it will make. Sometimes I wonder, if Lionel wasn't t married to me, would he be donating at all? It's not like I blindly give money away. I do try to do my homework. But now and then, I also like to take a leap of faith. I am particularly weak for anything that has to do with children. After all, children shouldn't be punished by what their parents have or haven't been able to do with their lives. And if at the end of the day my help can only touch the lives of one or two children, so be it! That is one or two less needy children in the world.

Many times I have come to the conclusion that I tend to be more charitable because I feel guilty. Guilty because growing up I had two parents who loved me, a sister who was always there for me, and friends who, even without knowing it, showed me things I could aspire to, and helped me become the person I am today. But many people don't have that. And if it is hard to go through the world with everything that was given to me, how are the rest supposed to succeed?

I probably also feel guilty because I rarely volunteer my time. I know that I probably should, but I already spend so much time away from my family when I am at work. I basically wake up my children every morning only to get them ready and send them away to school. I then pick them up, spend couple hours with them, and all of a sudden it is time to go to bed. So if by the time the weekend came around I left them again, I would feel like I am abandoning them. And I am sure they would feel the same way. My children are little, and they need me, they need my company, they need me close to them.

So no, right now I don't really have time to spare, but I will still help wherever I can. As long as I have a job, on behalf of Lionel and myself, I will share the wealth. And as far as Lionel's charitable spirit, for all of our sakes, let's hope he never develops it the hard way.

Safe

Couple days ago my friend said that her baby was doing better, and that they hoped to be home by the end of the week. I have not heard anything else since, so I want to believe that they are all home, safe and sound.

Get well

Tonight I am totally and completely exhausted. I feel myself dragging, my eyes don't want to be opened anymore. But I am also extremely sad, because one of my friend's baby, who is only a few days old, is spending the night at the hospital because he is not doing well. And I know that as a mom, the worst pain is caused by having to watch your kids suffer. I can only imagine what it must be like to be going through this after just a few days of being able to hold him in her arms for the very first time. Tonight my prayers are with them and their families.

Room with a view

Today I had a meeting in a conference room that faced my company's day care center. For once I was the first one there, so I was able to spend a few minutes looking out, watching the little ones have fun, and wondering what my own little ones were doing at that very same time. Some were running around in the fake grass, which was the only green patch I could see among all the gray buildings downtown. Others were driving their tricycles, with their little helmets on, and chasing each other down. And another group looked like they had just started walking, since they were stumbling and trying to keep their balance with their arms out wide.

They were too far to see their faces, but from where I was standing they looked like such a happy bunch. How I wished I was relaxing and enjoying the beautiful day outside, just like them.

Cold

I know the cold weather is coming soon, and I am not particularly excited about it. So in order to keep my spirits up, I am trying to think about the positive side of things. This is what I was able to come up with today:

1) It will be Ok if my nail polish starts to chip. My feet will be hiding behind layers of socks and boots.
2) Nobody will know if I forget to shave my legs. I will probably just be wearing pants.
3) I won't be missing out on summer fun by not being a stay at home mom.
4) I won't feel like eating as much ice cream as I've been eating nowadays.
5) The mosquitoes will not continue attacking me as mercilessly as they've been doing in the last few days.

It's all relative, relatives

This weekend my parents in law came to visit ... kind of anyway. My father in law was here to play golf with his friends, and was gone during the day.  Since they used to live here a while back they still have friends in town, so they had plans every night, except for tonight. Tonight we all went out. We went to J. Alexanders, the restaurant where Lionel and I used to go all the time before the girls came along. It was an early dinner, because Isabella gets really cranky when it is past her bed time.

Once at the restaurant we ordered the girl's food right away. They do not have much patience, so it's best to keep them occupied, and keep things moving along. Actually I should clarify that Sofia does pretty well at this point, but Bella does not stay seated for long. Not surprisingly, the menu for the night was chicken tenders, french fries, and ketchup on the side. My in laws do not ever eat ketchup, so I think that seeing Bella happily dip her fries in it was not a welcomed sight. They were also slightly horrified seeing her get the food all over her face, drop her cheerios AND the container all over the floor. My mother in law was also visible annoyed when Isabella started shaking her head and screaming about something, even though the noise of the place pretty much muffled her crazy ways.

Bella finally got sick of staying in her seat before everybody was ready to leave so she, Sofia, and I walked outside while Lionel and my in laws finished their meal and waited for the check. When we got up I could see Bella's big old mess under her seat, an obvious reminder that we have turned into "those people" whose kids leave big messes behind them.

Apparently the disaster did not go unnoticed by my mother in law when they finally got up. According to Lionel, she looked horrified and embarrassed, and even apologized to the waitress when they left.

The thing is, that was actually a pretty good and I would almost say "relaxing" dinner for us. Sofia was very good, and Bella stayed in her seat until I finished my meal. She did not throw a thing, did not spit her food, and did not spill her drink all over herself. But my parents in law are not really used to the mess. So it's all relative. We were happy, but I think they couldn't wait to get out of there.

Flower girl

Sofia likes getting her nails done. I refuse to paint her hand nails, because it's a bit too much for me. But now and then I do humor her and paint her toe nails. After all, when she is at school, nobody can even tell.

Tonight I promised her that if she was good, I would paint her toe nails.  But this time around, she had a new request: "Mami, can you also paint flowers on them?" I did not quite see that one coming.  I don't know where she got that from, as I do not do that with my own nails. The immediate answer should have been no, but instead I decided to take it as an artistic challenge, and gave it my best.

A true Saturday

Today was a really good day. The thing is, I did not even do anything out of the ordinary. But come to think of it, maybe that's what did it for me.

I got up early to go to my 7:15 yoga class. I usually struggle getting up after a long week, but afterwards I always thank myself. I then had a massage, came back home to pick up Sofia, and took her to her tennis class. After lunch, still in my yoga outfit, my improvised pony tail, and my crocs, I went out with the girls. Out to the backyard that is, to play in the new swing set. The neighbors also came out to play. Isabella was out there for about an hour, and even though she really did not want to come in because she was having so much fun, she finally went down for a nap. I then spent another hour out there, but this time sitting down. The older kids can really take care of themselves, so I only had to keep an eye on them. That allowed me to spend time browsing all the fall catalogs that have already made it my way.

All along, throughout the day, I did not worry about my frumpy outfit, my bad hair day, or any other to dos that usually make me feel like I should just GO, GO, GO.

Eventually Sofia and I came back in, Bella woke up, and we all sat down to play together and watch TV. After taking showers, having dinner, doing some laundry, and hanging out for a little while, all of a sudden it was bed time for the girls. Which brings me to this point: sitting on the couch, watching some more TV with Lionel, and updating my blog. A quiet end to a quiet day. Now it’s time to catch some sleep.

iPhone

My 70 year old mother in law just got a new iPhone. She really got it out of necessity because her old phone, which she had like forever, finally gave up.

It is kind of humorous to watch her trying to figure it out, if for no other reason than it is second nature for many of us. We slide our little fingers left and right. And if something does not come up right away, how about a little tap, tap, tap?

I know she gets frustrated, but I also know she'll eventually figure it out.

Talk to me

Bella has been talking a lot more lately. Not only is she saying more words, but she is also saying them more clearly. She can also say two or three word phrases, such as "Mami, sit down", "Mami, push", or, a very handy one "Fifi, no!" But from all her new words, it appears that "Stop" is by far her favorite one.  She definitely knows the meaning. If she only responded when we try to use it on her...

Playset

The girl’s new play set was installed today. Lionel resisted, but I prevailed. So here it is ...

There's a reason they call it work

How quickly have I gone back to my old ways. I am once again working crazy hours. It is just so hard to stop when you see that no matter how hard you work, your to-do list just keeps growing. And that is not a good feeling to have. I could probably work around the clock all week and still have something I did not get to. And that one thing I did not do is probably the one that will get me in trouble around here. Or maybe I will get lucky, and the requestor will simply forget they even asked.

Battles

This weekend, for the very first time in a very long time, my kids were driving me absolutely insane. Everything was a battle, from beginning to end: Eat your food! Don't throw your food! I am talking to you! Do not push your sister! We need to change your diaper now! You have to share! Stop whining!

SATURDAY
On Saturday, while Isabella took a nap, I took Sofia shopping with me. She needed tennis shoes, and I needed to return couple things. Once at the store, she decided she wanted me to buy her baby, to which I said no. "But I want it!", she said. I reminded her she had tons of babies at home, and that we were not there to buy any toys. She then proceeded to completely lose it, and continued screaming "I want that baby! I want that baby! I want that babyyyyyyy!" All this while I stood there and wondered what in the world was wrong with her. Amazingly enough I managed to keep my cool. I guess one of us had to. So I repeated that I was NOT going to buy her the baby, and that we were heading home. As I made my way through the store she walked right behind me, screaming at the top of her lungs. And I tried not to pay attention to the ugly looks we were probably getting from everybody around us. Eventually she did calm down. As we were walking to the car she asked if I would buy her a pretzel, to which I clearly said NO. And that was too bad, because I really wanted one.

That night, for whatever reason, Bella could not sleep. Around midnight I ended up taking her to our bed, and although she finally fell asleep, that translated into a terrible night for me. She moved around all night, and had me on the edge of the bed.

SUNDAY
Since she did not sleep so well, Bella was in a bad mood most of the day. And Sofia did not listen to pretty much anything we had to say. She complained about everything, whined endlessly, and once again threw a tantrum because there was something she did not want to share. We told her that if she was going to be selfish, then we were all going to act that way. And the TV for instance was Lionel's and mine, and as such, she could not watch it anymore. Instead of calming her down, that only got her going some more. "I want to watch TV", she said multiple times, each time louder than the previous one. I was so fed up with her that she ended up going to bed without me even saying good night, much less staying with her for a few minutes, our usual routine.

MONDAY
And this was our bonus day. Today the neighbors invited us over for lunch, which was clearly a nice detail since it was them, their family, and us. Sofia was Ok at the beginning, but once again lost it once it was time to actually sit down at eat. She said she did not want to sit at the kids table, even though she knew the other kids sitting there. We told her she either sat down or we were going home, but she wouldn't calm down. So Lionel ended up walking back home with her, while Isabella and I stayed. Eventually they came back, once she finally calmed down. She did not deserve to be there, but she couldn't stay home by herself, and Lionel did not want to be rude to the neighbors by not showing up again. And have I mentioned that Isabella didn't take a nap? After lunch the kids played for a little while, but by then Isabella was tired and cranky so around four we headed home. I then drove around with her so she took a nap in the car. After another battle we gave them a shower, had dinner, had another fight with Sofia about not sharing with her sister, and finally put them down. And once again, thanks to her bad behavior, Sofia went to bed without a good night from me.

So that's it! That is how we spent our weekend: Fighting with the ones we love the most. Isabella is always a handful, but I am not sure what is going on with Sofia. She has always been a whiner, but flat out throwing tantrums is out of character for her. Maybe she is already picking up bad habits from school. Maybe the transition to kindergarten is being so tough on her that she insists on fighting for things she thinks she can control. I am not sure, but I certainly wish I knew.

Autumn

When I got up this morning to go to my yoga class it was still somewhat dark. And the air was different. It was crisp, cool, unmistakable. It was the air of fall. It may only be September 4th, but there's one thing we can't deny: Fall is falling upon us.

Ya lo pasado pasado

This past weekend I finally started reading a book I've had for a very long time. My mother in law gave it to me about three years ago, but I never got around reading it for a variety of reasons. I first had mixed feelings about the subject, I then got so busy that reading books fell off my priority list, and finally I just forgot I even had it. I found it again, or it found me, as I was looking for something to read during the flight to Las Vegas. The book's name is "Once upon a quinceañera". Quinceañera parties in Latin countries are - or were - very much a tradition, similar to the "sweet sixteen" in the US. The author is from the Dominican Republic, but her family moved to the US, under very stressful circumstances, when she was about twelve years old.

In one of the initial chapters the author talks about one of her high school teachers, a young strong woman just out of college that she really looked up to when she was in boarding school. The author goes on to describe a particular instance when the actions of the teacher were so inspirational to her and her classmates that she remembered it for years to come. Then, many years later, as she is writing the book I am reading, she decides to track her teacher down. When she finally does, she is highly disappointed by the fact that her teacher does not even remember the inspirational story at all. "Really? I did that? It does sound like me, but I don't remember at all". That's about all the teacher had to say. It is then that the author starts wondering if the teacher was really that inspirational at the time, or if she made it all up in her head. Was it that she needed somebody to guide her, to look up to so badly, that she gave her teacher these mystic qualities that she never really had? And does it really matter anyway since this phenomenal person -real or not- met the author's needs at the time?

As I was reading the story about the teacher I couldn't help but look at my own life. And I thought about the people who throughout the years, knowingly or not, helped me overcome difficult times. Maybe the thing that cheered me the most is the thing they thought about the least. Maybe they never even knew how important they were to me. Maybe they were not as funny as I thought, as smart as they appeared, or as special as they were in my eyes. Maybe they don't ever think of me anymore. Maybe it's best if I just never know.